"God is calling us to a new level of responsibility in our family relationships." Famiy-iD
Your first born has a God given influence. When they are old enough to understand this, you can teach them to use their influence to build up the other siblings. All children expect their parents to compliment them, but when it comes from an older sibling, it means the world to them. In the same way that their influence can greatly affect their sibling for the good, they can also destroy their confidence in a single word. Kids need to be taught how vital it is that they speak life and blessings over their siblings and not badger them or tear them down.
An incredible idea that I got from our time at the Family-iD retreat was knighting our oldest team captain. We explained to her that God created her to be the team captain and that comes with great responsibility. When your child understands his or her influence and how great that is, they will feel a sense of pride knowing they have a purpose in their family. You can write them a letter explaining their responsibility or you can present them with a baton that they will one day hand down to their co-captain who will then become the new team captain. Be creative and make a big deal about it! Your child has to understand this because of how powerful they are in the other children’s lives.
After you get your team captain on board, here is a list of commitments they can make as the new team captain:
I will treat my brothers and sisters better than I would treat my best friends.
I will treat my parents better than my favorite teacher or coach.
I will protect and lay down my life for my brothers/ sisters; I will not step on them or over them to go out and save the world.
My relationship with my brothers/sisters is a major priority, secondary only to my relationship with Jesus.
I will choose to resolve all conflicts, instead of avoiding them.
If my brothers/sisters have hurt me in the past, or they hurt me in the future, I will forgive and love them unconditionally, just as Christ loves and forgives me.
I will graciously accept the responsibility that my God chosen birth order demands.
I will be mindful of how my words and my actions could be hurtful to my siblings, even though they may not be allowing their pain to show.
(Thanks Family-iD )
NEXT UP: HOW TO BUILD TEAM SPIRIT
This is awesome!! Exactly what we need to do with our oldest-we have explained that he is a leader, that God made him first for a reason, but this is a great way to make it more concrete to him!! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteOk so I am reading this series and so far I have loved it. However, after reading this post though, I am a bit unsure. I just have a few questions.
ReplyDelete1. Is it possible for the oldest child to feel anxiety, fear of failure, or too much pressure from being known as the "team captain?"
2. What if the oldest child is less mature than the other siblings and shows no signs or desires of being a good team captain?"
3. What is the age of accountability that can handle being a "team captain?"
Thanks,
Kacie
Hi Kacie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your questions! They are good ones. I will try my best to answer. Please feel free to dialogue with me on this.
1. My daughter has never felt those feelings.I can't say for sure that no child would, but I think it is in how you present it and how you teach it. If you don't make them feel like a failure when they fail, then they won't feel that way in my opinion. For us, it is something I remind my daughter of when she is in a moment of contemplation on how she might respond to them. I never hound her with it or say, 'you are a bad team captain', EVER! Rather, I point out when she is being a great team captain and use it to compliment her and build her up. We introduced this to her when she was around 9 years old. This was a little young for her to fully grasp it. We had a letter sent to her by the Family iD ministry that explained what her role was and why that role was God given. As she has gotten older, 14 now, she seems to fully get it. She has never expressed feeling that it is too much to ask. We don't expect anything out of her that the Bible doesn't already lay out for each believer. Be kind, be respectful, let your words build others up, put others first. It is perfectly reasonable to expect them to treat family better than friends. Friends shouldn't take priority over family. After all, friends come and go, but family stays no matter what.
We are just putting a name to a known quantity. They are already in that position of leadership and we are naming it and bringing attention to it intentionally. They are not being put into that role by us. They were put the first in line by the Lord. We are just letting them know that their siblings are watching them, are learning from them, and will be effected by how they treat them.
It is all in how you frame it. We don't frame it as a burden or something that they can fail at. We frame it as a God given privilege, a gift that not everyone has been given. It is special, something to be treasured and cared for.
We actually did give our daughter a symbol of her team captain role at her rite of passage when she turned 13. My husband and I had decided to change out our wedding rings due to losing my diamond. We made my engagement ring into her purity ring with her birthstone and put my husbands wedding ring *since he is the head of our home* on a chain and gave it to her to wear to remind her of her leadership. In the almost two years since she was given it, I can count on one hand the days she has not worn it. It means the world to her! Everyday, it serves as a reminder that she is very special! One day, she will give that to my next in line when she moves out of the house.